Why can’t the dirty plates go straight into the dishwasher? Whose turn is it to pick up the kids? And why do you insist on doing that thing you do when you know how much it annoys me? No honestly, don’t worry, I’m fine.
Perhaps – if you are part of a long-term couple – that kind of conversation sounds familiar. Or perhaps you are George and Amal Clooney, and you never, ever argue. That, at least, was the actor’s boast this week to a US morning show: in almost 12 years of marriage, he said, he and his lawyer wife have never had a single argument. “We’re trying to find something to argue about,” he joked.
Can it really be possible to commit to someone long enough for the pheromones to wear off and not, every now and then, have a row about money, parenting or who was supposed to sort the car tax? And even if it is possible – is it healthy? The Clooneys’ blissful marriage may be one thing, but for the rest of us, say experts, arguing need not be such a bad thing – so long as we’re doing it right.
“People are drawn into thinking that lots of conflict is a sign that there’s something wrong with a relationship, and an absence of conflict means there isn’t something wrong,” says the couples therapist Joanna Harrison, whose book on the subject is titled Five Arguments All Couples (Need to) Have, and Why the Washing Up Matters. “But often when conflict is avoided, those feelings are building up and creating resentments or finding outlets elsewhere, and that can be problematic.”
Obviously, not every domestic dispute is a positive one. “Arguments that leave people feeling unsafe or put people at risk, or that are hostile, frequent or unresolved, particularly if there are children – these are not healthy arguments,” she says. But when it comes to the everyday conflicts and annoyances of a long-term relationship, thrashing out the issues that wind you up about each other is often not just normal, but necessary.
“Actually, arguing is a great skill for couples,” agrees Stefan Walters of the psychotherapy service Harley Therapy. Research has shown that over many years, “couples who do argue actually end up staying together much more than couples who don’t”, he says.
How to argue
DO
- Choose your moment. “Timing is everything when you want to talk about a difficult topic,” says Harrison. Instead of blurting out a grievance when everyone is busy, she says, “have a conversation about having a conversation. Is there a time that we could talk about this issue?”
- Be curious. “Be sure you are asking questions, you’re not trying to dominate,” says Blair.
- Take responsibility. “Don’t say, ‘you make me angry.’” says Blair. “Say, ‘I feel angry when you …’”
- Take a step back if things are becoming too heated. “If things feel like they’re really, escalating, that’s a sign to pause the conversation that is no longer a conversation,” says Harrison. Agree to come back to it later when everyone has cooled down.
